jesshartley | (no subject)

Yesterday sucked in the way a sucking chest wound does: painfully, messily and, unfortunately for at least two little critters who were in my immediate vicinity, lethally.

Today has been better. But then, short of human death, it kinda almost had to be. (Not tempting the fates, I'm very grateful for the improvement, thank you very much powers that be.)

Today I went on a field trip with the Valkyrie to Howe Caverns which was very cool, but preceeded by and followed by a very long bus trip with 50+ pre-teens. Those of you who have dealt with 12 year olds in groups will understand that, when I say today was much much better than yesterday, it really shows how much yesterday sucked. :)

And, today was also made better by the fact that the stupid Home Depot carpet people who originally told me they couldn't put my carpet in until July 5th (Yes, the carpet we're waiting for so we can put the house on the market, and which they told us on the 31st of May would take an average of 3 weeks from then to installed) have now called and had a cancellation tomorrow! So this means we can preceed a pace with getting the house on the market. It also means, please contact me ASAP if you're interested in any of the stuff I mentioned earlier as being for sale.

(Just for those who are feeling masochistic, here's the draft I almost posted yesterday, but decided against it. I warn you. It's bad, and uncharacteristically depressing for me.)

I'm feeling very down today. The move stress has reached that "been running full bore, throwing money, energy and time at it for ages and it's still not reached the end" point. Every picture I look at of Bisbee just makes me compare it (not favorably) to the lush greenery that is New England (or the Pacific NW) this time of year. Everything I do on the house here to prepare it to sell reminds me of how much I love it and how unlike it the houses we are looking at in Bisbee are. I've been stress-eating and I can feel it, not only in my weight, but in general sluggishness and aches and pains in places I shouldn't be hurting. I'm putting off the work I need to do, because of the house stuff I need to do, and there both seems to be no time at all (in a bad way) and altogether too much time (again in a bad way) before we move. The weather is depressing, my kiddo's sick, her pediatritian is out on vacation and the substitute is a doorknob.

I'm in a funk, prone to tears, and generally want to crawl into a dark space somewhere and sob.

This is not me. This is not how I usually am. I know that. It sucks. I don't know how to deal with it.

To make things worse, we've been watching a little robin and its mother hop around the lawn for the last couple of weeks, with great joy. The mom was obviously teaching the baby how to hunt worms, and would stop and feed it, with the little one hop-hop-hopping along behind. It gave us great joy. This morning, the little one flew into our kitchen window, broke its neck and died in the Viking's hands as he went down to try to rescue it. We buried it near the tree where we'd always seen it hunting with its mom. (Tears are rolling down my face as I type this, as they have been off and on all morning just thinking about it.) The mom is hopping around the yard now, hunting worms with no one to feed. It breaks my heart.

Some of this (like the robins, leaving our friends and house, our recent pet problems, etc.) just "is" and will never be anything but sad. The best we can hope for is for it to be made more distant in time. The rest will, I know, work itself out with time and continued effort. I'm just very very down right now, unable to maintain even the tiniest modicum of enthusiasm, joy or to see any sort of personal silver lining in the clouds right now (which, for those of you who know me, is... more than a little uncharacteristic).

I know this move is the best choice (honestly, the only choice right now) for us, career wise. It's the Viking's home town, it's a great opportunity for him (And thus for the family). He's put up with the grey and green of the Pacific NW and then New England for years, it's only fair we try out his favored "bright and sunny" climes for a while.

And logically I know (or at least hope) that once we get out there and I can be doing /something/ productive, going forward rather than feeling like I'm fighting my way through this murk, that it will be better. Even if I hate Bisbee, I can carve a niche for myself there, once we're in a house of our own, make a home for us.

But now? Right now, I just want to bury myself in chocolate or blankets or something, just to dull the aching in my chest. (And I hate myself for sounding so damned emo.)

oh... and to make things even better? On the way to take the Valkyrie to the doctor, I ran over a cute little chipmunk. Fuck.

Current Mood: busy

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From:

innocent-man.livejournal.com

You make me happy. Talking with you always makes me smile, and our time together has been great - great enough that I think it's worthy preserving, even given distance and time.

Also, puppies.

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(no subject)

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